Disco Elysium, The Voyeurs, and endings

I finished Disco Elysium about 55 hours and 14 minutes ago (as of 1:16 PM). It's illuminated my mind in uncountable ways. Heavy spoilers for Disco Elysium in this blog post. If you have not played the game, do not read this one. I've never been more serious about a spoiler warning in my life. Close this tab if you've not played it, even if you have no interest in it right now. Because some day, you might. And I don't want to be the person who's spoiled it for you.

I played throughout most of Disco Elysium in a form that came to uncomfortably reflect my real-life self; I maxed out Empathy, ended up denying any strict opportunity to "choose sides", motioned towards communist ideals, hurt people, failed in a lot of ways. I felt a lot like Harrier DuBois. Anyways, by the end of Day 4, I had seriously hurt Tommy Le Homme's feelings, Ruby killed herself, and I returned to town and got in a gunfight. Despite having a weapon, I jumped into the middle of it to try and lower tensions, did every skill check possible that didn't involve shooting my gun, and at the end of that I had the option to either shoot the scab, or continue pleading. And I had a really good chance on that "shoot the scab" roll. I chose to "continue pleading", though, and the gunfight, uh, got hot. 4 of the labor unionists died, I dodged a bullet then got shot, and as I lay dying I warned Kim and he used my gun to shoot someone.

Woke up 2 days later ingame, Kim told me the sitch, and we were both like "we did terribly, but we can still try". I told Tommy Le Homme that Ruby killed herself and then left town. Ended up investigating the island, slept on a bed while Kim watched and had a dream where I chased down my ex/Delores Dei, and then went to the final encounter.

The Deserter convo was rough. I only had so many options for what to say, because of my previous actions. M@ @'d me, and I joined a VC with just him and I while his spine corrected itself. I kinda talked about what the game had meant to me, while the Deserter talked about capital. And. Yeah.

Then the Insulindian Phasmid showed up. Which. I can't really express what this moment means to me, truly. It's something unknowable to even myself, but. It means so much. It cuts through the tension like a knife, and is just a miraculous, beautiful, mysterious, impossible, wonderful thing. The thing I investigated, like, 3 days ago, as a joke. I talked with it, and touched it, and Kim took a photo of us. It's the most magical moment I've had in a long time. It. It was something.

The ending was nice, too. But the Insulindian Phasmid. And the talk on capital. And everything about the game, from my Day 4 to the end.

I should clarify, I played Day 2 to the End all in 1 day. I was up for 27 hours. It was. It was worth it.

To quote myself, at 7:30 AM that morning, "But right now, I feel awoken. \ I feel uncrusted. \ I feel as if a fount has erupted from the earth, and though it may trickle in time, for now it is alive \ And to think on it too much would be a disservice to letting it flow \ I feel a physiomental shift in my upper torso and mind is required to start to feel exhaustion \ So this, in how it is presently, is very much temporary. \ But that’s okay. \ I felt it. It was real."

I had a "sort of" Major Friendship Breakup earlier that day, very suddenly and painfully. It was kinda unhealthy in the first place, so I'm probably better off without the unhealthy parts, but I was still mourning it greatly. And Disco Elysium, fuck, it really helped me work through all of that. And to know that I could still feel wonder, and life, and discovery, and beauty, even in the worst and hardest and most tense times.

My own personal screenshot, of the moment.

To totally change gears, I've been lowkey obsessed with this movie called The Voyeurs. It's a Movie - it's paced well but too long, it's unbelievably stupid but also entirely self-fulfilling, it's. It's so many things. It's the dumbest movie I've ever seen, and it fascinates me. I watched it after seeing Jane Mulcahy's video that mentioned it, and I've now seen it twice. I showed 2 friends, for the rewatch. It was. Damn.

Following, after seeing the director's own letterboxd review of the movie, I emailed the director "Dear Monsieur Mohan, I. Wow. The Voyeurs is truly something. I watched it on recommendation from Jane Mulcahy, who really made it sound like truly something. And the film SHOCKED me. I had to show friends. And I just finished showing some friends. I'm so excited for whatever you work on next, monsieur Mohan. *image of shocked blue emoji* Go off"

Note, the film takes place in Montreal, so that's why I called him Monsieur. It's part of the bit. Anyways, he sent this back

Ⓜ️

Life is good. Life is really, really great. His email made me cry positively with how shockingly funny and nice he was, and also that he *investigated the letterboxd of his movie*. KING shit. Holy shit. I'll be seated day one for Immaculate.